My husband, Kyle, our then 2 year old, Isaac, myself, and my family were all together in Duluth visiting my brother and his family when it hit me. Oh my gosh, I'm so nauseous! All weekend. I remember thinking in my head I'm totally pregnant. I know it. There we were sitting in Perkins and I was about to vomit at the table. We managed to get home, vomit-free, and I took a home pregnancy test. It was positive. We were ecstatic. A little nervous because I had a wedding dress to fit into in five months, but couldn't wait for Isaac to have a sibling, especially since we had just had a miscarriage six months earlier.
I had a normal pregnancy with no complications. We found out we were having a boy and at exactly 40 weeks, on his due date, Logan Robert was born on January 14, 2016, at 1:26 a.m. He was 8lbs, 5 ounces, 21 inches long, and the most precious little baby. The doctor placed him on my chest and the minute I laid eyes on him I knew he was the sweetest soul ever. He just looked up at me so wide-eyed and was so content.
The next day Isaac came to meet Logan and from that day forward Logan was his baby. He would help feed him, change him, hold him, and soothe him. Anything "Logy" needed Isaac was right there to help. They adored each other and became best buds. Isaac was always Logan's protector. This truly was the bond that we always hoped for Isaac.
When Logan was 4 months old he had his first seizure. We took him in and because he had a high temperature the doctors thought it was just a febrile seizure. However, two weeks later Logan had another seizure that wouldn't stop and we were taken by ambulance to Children's Hospital. This was the beginning of multiple ambulance rides, hospital visits, MRI's, EEG's, and tests to determine the cause and type of seizures Logan was having.
The seizures progressed from one or two a month, to weekly, to daily, sometimes up to 80 a day in clusters. At 9 months old our neurologist diagnosed Logan with Epilepsy and encouraged us to start an anti-seizure medication. He was very optimistic in the medications because even though he was experiencing so many seizures he was still meeting all major milestones, some even early.
Logan responded really well on the first medication for the first month or so but then the seizures started coming back. We tried different doses, different types, avoiding high anxiety situations, tried to avoid getting sick or fevers, different diets, and anything I read that was thought to help, but they never really seemed to get under control.
In February of 2017, one month after turning one, Logan was having a rough, restless night with seizures. We made an appointment for him to get into his doctor that morning, but he never made it to his appointment. We later found out that he had RSV, and the combination of that with his seizures was just too much for his little body to handle.
We struggle with guilt and ask ourselves if we made the right decisions for Logan. We often wonder what if, what could have been, or should have been for our family, but when we look back at Logan's life it's hard to believe that he had Epilepsy because he never seemed to let it phase him. Yes, some days you could tell on his face when he was having a rough day, but it never stopped him from smiling and tagging along with his brother. He was just so remarkably special to us! He had the most infectious smile that could just light up a room. He picked up the nickname "Goose" and he just brought so much joy to our family. He was such a blessing and we were so lucky to have him with us for the time we did.
We have hope in knowing that he doesn't have to battle with the seizures and medications anymore. Of course we miss him like crazy. We'd do anything to hold him, hear his giggles, see his goofy one-legged crawl, watch him dance, and see his smile again. We know Isaac would also give anything to have time with his brother again, but he's free now from his battle. He has nothing holding him back and that's what gives us hope. He is forever our special angel and we can remember him by just that.
Always on our minds; forever in our hearts. We love you, Goose!
Mom, dad, and your best buddy, Isaac ❤