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Jennifer's Wings

October 20, 2016



This still seems so surreal. A whirlwind of emotions does not even begin to explain how I have felt since September 13th when we found out our baby girl no longer had a heartbeat.

We found out we were expecting baby number 5 the beginning of June. I was in a panic so to speak, we were not 'planning' on another baby and this time around we were actually trying to prevent it. I was still nursing my 1 1/2 year old and my cycle finally returned. Several weeks prior to our positive test we were talking about how we will wait for a couple more months before trying for another baby. We had our hands full with the four kids we had, finances were tight and my thyroid levels were not in the 'optimal' level. I was working towards getting my thyroid levels under 2.5 before we were going to have another baby. Well apparently God had different plans...much different plans.



The day my period was supposed to arrive it did not. I took a test. It was negative. I shrugged it off thinking maybe it was my thyroid messing with my cycle, maybe it was because I'm still nursing and that is messing with my cycle...who knows. A couple weeks later my period was still missing in action. I had a nagging feeling that maybe I should test again, especially because if you are pregnant with thyroid problems you need to get your thyroid levels checked and medication dosage adjusted as soon as possible. If your thyroid levels are out of wack you have a much higher chance of a miscarriage than if they are in the proper levels. So I took another test. It was positive. VERY positive. I proceeded to take 5 more tests and even made a couple of my friends look at them just to make sure I wasn't going crazy and that they were indeed positive.

I called around to several midwives asking about home births and hashimotos, everyone said hey as long as your thyroid levels are fine and your endocrinologist is happy we are happy. Awesome! I called up my endocrinologist and set up an appointment with her right away. After all I was already 8 weeks pregnant when I found out I was pregnant. I got in with my endocrinologist right away and we came up with a game plan to aggressively get my thyroid numbers under 2.5. Thankfully my thyroid levels were still in a 'good' range so we did not panic. My mind was set at ease and my panic went to excitement! We were going to have another baby!!!!! With 3 boys and 1 girl, we were ALL hoping for another girl. My pregnancy was progressing as normal as ever. My 'morning' sickness was not bad at all, I was exhausted as to be expected and I was really loving the idea of another baby in the home.


When it was time for our 20 week scan I could hardly contain my excitement. Time to find out if it is a boy or a girl! The ultrasound showed a healthy little girl. The only thing that was off were her dates. I was supposed to be 19 weeks and 6 days. There was NO mistake when my last period was because it was my ONLY period. Our baby girl was measuring in at 17 weeks 2 days. Although she was showing to be healthy, she was just measuring small....a lot smaller than I anticipated. But I tried to shake it off, maybe I just ovulated later, maybe that is why I had a negative when I thought my period was supposed to be due and was missing in action. Altogether we just thought the dates were 'off'. No big deal, we just move the due date out 2 weeks to be on the safe side. We were all very excited that we were having a GIRL! Long before we knew we were having a girl we decided to name her Jennifer after my husbands mom who passed away when he was a small child. A beautiful name to honor his mother gone too soon.



I kept feeling her move for about a week after we found out she was a girl. Then it got quiet. I tried not to freak out too much about it because if my due date is off then it is normal to go a while without feeling movement. But the movement never started up again. I thought maybe she is just moving a lot at night when I'm sleeping or maybe she  is just in a funny position that is preventing me from feeling her move. Over the next two weeks it would pop in my head that she was gone, I would shake it off and think to myself that I was just being silly. After all, if she was gone I would have other symptoms right? WRONG. So so very wrong.


It was finally time for my next midwife appointment, at that point I was either 22 weeks or 19 weeks 6 days, we discussed going with the later date of February 2nd and not January 14th to stay on the safe side. Alright, new date is set! I would much rather move my date out and still be able to deliver with them, then to stick with the original date of January 14th and go way past my due date and at that point not be able to deliver with the midwives (they are only allowed to deliver up to 41.6 days so we were giving ourselves some wiggle room).



After figuring the new date and talking for a little bit it was t